Prenatal Torture

The last 24 hours have yielded all sorts of unsavory side effects of being a mom and being pregnant. Last night it was heartburn, an upset stomach, excruciating sciatic nerve pain and frequent wakings overnight with a full bladder, kicking baby and the feeling that I had swallowed an apple core that had been soaked in acid and set on fire.

I was also none too thrilled with my children and their idea that it would be fun to wake up at 2:00 in the morning.

We all woke up at 6:00 this morning because I had my glucose tolerance test today. Just as I was getting ready to walk out the door and load my kids up in the minivan I caught a familiar whiff of yuck. No, it wasn't the one in a diaper either. It was my four year old son who has been out of diapers for over a year. The same four year old who had been asked if he needed to potty five minutes previously.

...yay.

So I made it to my appointment somehow only eight minutes late, drank down that sugar syrup, saw my midwife who pronounced everything in excellent condition and went down to the first floor of the building where the lab is located. I want to punch whoever designed that building to place a cafe right next to the lab. I was assaulted with the smell of strong hot coffee, freshly baked cinnamon rolls and dare I even mention it: bacon. I was seated about twenty feet from the counters full of food and all the happy people unaware of my misery as they inhaled their bacon. Someone even dared to bring food to the lab waiting area and eat in front of me. She almost lost a hand before the receptionist asked her to move.

I had to remind them twice that my lab was timed, and they still didn't get to me until three minutes after the actual draw time. Finally I got away from the smell of food to the smell of isopropryl alcohol and iodine. Naturally the phlebotomist couldn't find a vein, but she thought she had one and stuck me anyway. I hate it when they do that and then spend several minutes slapping your arm with a needle inside you swishing around trying to hit a vein. I have notoriously difficult veins. Lucky I'm used to needles. My vision started getting black so I warned them I might pass out and then asked for an alcohol swab (a sniff of alcohol works well if you feel faint) and thought I'd be fine to make it to the cafe for food. So I got to the cafe, saw the line and turned for the vending machines instead. I passed out before I could make a selection. Not hurt at all thankfully, but pretty embarrassed. I chose a bag of chips and plopped with little grace into a cushy sofa. After I ate the chips I felt a little better and got a muffin - no bacon left and not quite lunchtime yet. I should have gotten a candy bar from the vending machine and followed it with a bag of peanuts because I felt faint again by the time I got in the driver's seat.

Lucky for me when I picked the kids up the youngest fell asleep in his car seat and I was able to get him into bed without waking up. So I got a nap. Unfortunately I woke up with a migraine that I still haven't been able to get rid of completely. I'm deeply regretting that we haven't been to the grocery store in over two weeks, lunch was Ramen noodles and applesauce and I still feel weak and sick. My 16 month old is currently shaking a juice box all over the place soaking my house in apple juice rain. My other two are fighting loudly over a piece of sidewalk chalk and are mad at me because I won't let them go in the driveway to play hopscotch. In the time it just took me to get my 16 month old off the kitchen table and take the juice box from him and sit myself back down he has now made his way on top of my kitchen counter. Removed from that obstacle course, he has now joined the great chalk war. Did I mention my two oldest have stripped down to their underwear and are on the back patio in full view of my elderly neighbor?

Is my husband home yet?